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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28400946">nothing here is vegetarian</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/brzbloks/pseuds/brzbloks'>brzbloks</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Cannibalism, Established Relationship, M/M, Vampires, its kinda like couples therapy but not rlly, mentions of blood ig?, mentions of segsy time, shits n giggles luv</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:09:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,360</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28400946</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/brzbloks/pseuds/brzbloks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“You left a kidney on the dining table last night,” Sugawara says whilst wrapping a decapitated limb in clingfilm. </p><p>“I did not!”</p><p>“That table is rosewood,” he stares long and hard at Oikawa, before a totally-not-blood-curdling-totally-not-human scream rips through the air. </p><p>“You’re checking up on our dinner this time."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>nothing here is vegetarian</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>So, uh, what’s it like dating a cannibal? </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara beams brightly, sharp canines glistening in the studio lighting. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Definitely something I haven't experienced in my thousand years of living!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A muffled voice interrupts, loud enough so that we can hear him through the, what was meant to be a sound proof, wall. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He’s lying, he’s only 23!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Shut up Tooru,” the grey haired man snaps back. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You shut up.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re making us look bad, I swear, no wonder your parents don’t want to talk to you anymore. You fucking ate them-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span><em>CUT</em>!</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dating a vampire is something I'd never would have thought to happen,” the brunette crosses his legs. “Like who wakes up one day and thinks, ‘Hey- I really want a vampire to cuddle with every night!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Who wakes up one day and decides to eat people..</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you say something?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Nothing, so what’s an average day for you and Sugawara?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You left a kidney on the dining table last night,” Sugawara says whilst wrapping a decapitated limb in clingfilm. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I did not!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“That table was rosewood,” he stares long and hard at Oikawa, before a totally-not-blood-curdling-definitely-not-human scream rips through the air. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re checking up on our dinner this time."</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa pulls a face for a quick second, then reverts back to his air of nonchalance. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Lots of sex, sex on the counter, sex on the table, sex on the floor, sex on the-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>You’ve just listed every possible surface.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re two grown men with needs!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Yes, of course. So, would you say your relationship is solely based off of, um, sex.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The stereo plays thick and heavy, almost static while it plays music from a decade they both have no idea about. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Dance with me,” Oikawa stretches out a hand, eager for Sugawara to take it. All dressed in his alien themed dressing gown, fuzzy slippers. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara bites his lip, “I’m not very good at dancing.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I know,” he draws the shorter man closer. “But it’s cute and you’re cute.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Hands around the taller’s shoulders, and barely on his tiptoes, Sugawara chuckles and just lets his lover lead the way. Their bodies move seconds too fast, and glide in odd directions. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The vampire leans in close to Oikawa’s ear, “You smell like raw intestine juice.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“And your socks are stained,” he chuckles before spinning Sugawara around. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He’s right, they are. Sugawara’s favourite shrimp themed socks, drenched with blood from their blood marred kitchen tiles. “It kinda looks cute, to be honest.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re weird.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You turned Matsukawa into a pie because he called me pretty.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Because I love you,” the brunette attacks Sugawara’s face with light pecks, despite the latter’s laughing pleas.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ew, Tooru, ew no, you stink-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Say it back!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Fine okay-“ he dodges another one of Oikawa’s kisses, “I love my stinky boyfriend.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t stink-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He's lying, totally. He's such a sap, so romantic.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So yours and Oikawa’s relationship isn’t just-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“He's literally the most corniest guy I know, such a geek in bed. Anyways, total sweetheart,” Sugawara adjusts in his seat and sighs dreamily. “He plans the most romantic dates...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara whines into a pillow, flailing his arms aggressively. It’s been a month and a half since his last feeding, and it’s been a while since Oikawa has brought another meal. And he doesn’t have the heart to ask the human for anymore blood, he’s rather fond of Oikawa’s rosy cheeks. Interpret that as you will. He hears the front door click open, followed by rapid steps up the stairs.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Get ready!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara groans. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We’re going on a date!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara slowly gets up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“A...date?” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You heard me dear,” he walks over to their shared closet. “A date!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I can barely walk with how malnourished I am, and you expect me to go on a date with you?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s only been a month, whiny.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I don’t care i-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Just trust me!” he pouts mockingly, “Unless you don’t love me.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my God I hate you...”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>A few hours later they found themselves in front of a truck, at 3am. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Ta da!” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara kicks a pebble, watching as it flicks against a tyre. “A truck?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa tuts and leads his clueless boyfriend towards the vehicle, “Not just any truck.” He picks up the stray pebble and bashes it against the truck’s backdoor lock. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The doors slam open, to reveal cramped rows of refrigerators.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara takes a whiff in the air, and it immediately clicks. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh my gosh, Tooru!” he leaps into the man’s arms, “A blood donation truck! There are bags of blood in here, there-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I knew you’d like it,” Oikawa says proudly, watching in delight as his boyfriend raids the refrigerators, hauling bags and bags of the red liquid on top of each other into his arms. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So you- stole from a...blood donation truck?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Well, stealing is a rather extreme way of putting it. I’d say we just borrowed some of what it had to offer, I mean hey! Who even needs that much blood in one place-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>People who need blood transfusions? Dying people, hello-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey calm it,” he snorts, “We didn’t even take much, Koushi said that we should leave most of it for-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We took all of it,” Sugawara claims casually as he sips from his bottle. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What are you drinking..</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara chokes mid-sip, “...cranberry juice?“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh my God is that-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>So how do you and Sugawara manage each other's schedules, what are your routines? Wth him being nocturnal and all..</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s simple really, he sleeps during the day while I go to practice. I come home around, sunset? Yeah, we cook, watch some TV. I go to bed pretty late, at one in the morning. Koushi works from home, he’s a manager for one of his witch friend’s businesses. We have plenty of time together.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Endearing, so what about the days when you...you know?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Have sex? I told you, we always-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No! I meant, feedings and your...meals?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Oikawa stares blankly at the tv screen, his bored expression illuminated by the glow. “I’m hungry.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sugawara, with the same bored expression, replies monotonously. “Same.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Wanna kidnap a random heiress and make her beg for her life and trick her into thinking we’ll let her go when actually you’ve already bitten her and i’m about to turn her into a lasagna?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Sure.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“It’s whenever we’re bored, really” the vampire picks at his nails. “Did we cook her into a lasagne or coq au vin, I can't remember these days- hey what’s your blood type?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>What, are you going to drink my- OW GET OFF OF M-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tooru!” Sugawara calls from the other room, “Get the car ready!” he wipes his mouth and licks his fingers, blood kinda tastes like spicy tofu when you think about it extra hard. A loud thud sounds through the wall, from his boyfriend’s side, and Sugawara chuckles knowingly. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“We're eating real good tonight babe!” Oikawa emerges as the door swings open, with a body held up by the collar in his hands.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oikawa pecks Suga, his own lips now tinted the slightest bit red now, he licks them and thinks for a second. “A-Positive, right?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re getting real good at this!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span> <em>What do we do!? They killed the interviewers!</em></span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I don’t know! Air a joke reel while we phone the pol-</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You’re looking very pale today, Koushi.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Oh fuck off.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Tooru, what do you call a wheelchair user?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Meal on wheels.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“No, I meant an actual synonym for a wheelchair u-“</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t it a wonderful day! I bet you can’t wait to have a lie in that sun!”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Eat dog shit.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Did you try to eat my dick last night?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I’m not an animal. I don't do raw, darling. ”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“You did me raw last night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Babe, you got something on your cheek, take a look in the mirror.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“I loathe you.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>BACK ON AIR IN 3, 2-</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>—</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So the pair link arms, two bodies limp and lifeless dragging behind them. The only thing on their mind being, ‘What’s on our dinner menu tonight.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The police car chasing after them could also be a concern of theirs too, but true love prevails and all that shit.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>im here to give u vampire cannibal couple oisuga at 6am b4 this shitty year ends kiss kiss<br/>this was rlly fun to write, lmk what u thought of it and if youd like to see more of it;))</p><p>comments, kudos and criticism are always welcome and appreciated !</p><p>thanks for reading and hope u all had a gr8 christmas, stay safe and swaggy&lt;3<br/></p></blockquote></div></div>
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